The great smell of Lang Lang. Actually, make that not so great.
‘I never have time to wash my suit,’ the busy pianist once told the Wall Street Journal. When I’m travelling, sometimes the smell isn’t very pleasant.’ However, while you or I might drop off a whiffy dinner jacket at the dry cleaners, Lang Lang has seen an olfactory opportunity to launch a perfume range he calls Amazing Lang Lang.
‘Two perfumes which combine and complete each other perfectly, like the ying and yang or night and day,’ wafts the introduction to the pianist’s two fragrances, one for him and one for her. At least the pianist is around to willingly extend his brand reach beyond the keyboard. The same cannot be said of those great composers and performers now long dead, whose names and reputations have been purloined by big business and applied to all manner of products. Welcome to the weird world of composer brands...
1/ Beethoven hearing aid
Most of us agree that Beethoven was deaf. However, to Audicus, a hearing aid supplier, he was more accurately hearing-impaired: ‘Beethoven was not only one of the world’s greatest composers – he was also one of the bravest hearing-impaired people of all time.’
It’s hard to imagine the forthright composer accepting ‘impairment’ as a term to describe a condition that sent him into rages, and almost drove him to suicide. Still, were Beethoven alive today and, assuming he accepted Audicus’s sensitive description of his condition, it’s fair to say we might be seeing him on our TV screens casting aside his aged ear trumpet as he extols the virtues of the company’s latest hearing-impairment product.
2/ Chopin bidet
Chopin was an artist of refinement who moved in the highest circles, but who rarely enjoyed the best of health. Not only that, he was a foreigner who lived in that most peculiar of all cities: Paris. Put all these ingredients together and you have one of those people most likely to… own a bidet.
Hence, yes, the Chopin bidet range that can be found at various bathroom outfitters across the web. Often mistaken by British tourists as a footbath, this low-lying bowl is actually a – well, you know the rest. Perhaps to the strains of his ‘Raindrop’ Prelude, and for a small consideration, the composer might have been persuaded to urge us to buy while stocks last.
3/ Gershwin tuxedo shirt
George Gershwin: the epitome of New York style in the 1930s. So it’s not hard to imagine him lending his name to the Gershwin tuxedo shirt, ‘the best tuxedo shirt in the world’. Designed in Dallas and ‘crafted’ in Los Angeles, the limited-production shirt is made of moisture-wicking fabric to guide away that performance perspiration.
There's also a crisp collar with a ‘touch of stretch’ and, most importantly, flat seams to ‘reduce chafe’. ‘In testing,’ says manufacturer Coregami’s spiel, ‘it has weathered over 40 symphony concerts, six outdoor weddings and two nights at the club.’ About par for a typical week in Gershwin’s life.
4/ Franz Liszt classic thong
A few whistles and cries of ‘encore’ is about as extreme as things get in today’s concerts, but when Franz Liszt was in town, things were very different. On glimpsing the handsome pianist, ladies of otherwise sound mind would throw themselves upon him, fighting over his handkerchiefs and pulling at his hair.
'The Liszt thong can be carried discreetly and tossed enthusiastically in his direction'
There are no reports of them throwing their undergarments at him, which is why American Apparel’s Liszt thong – emblazoned with the composer’s image, no less – is such an inspired creation, one that can be carried discreetly in a small evening bag and tossed enthusiastically in his direction.
5/ Mendelssohn piano
A piano named after a composer or performer is about as relevant a musical association as it possible to make. Daniel Barenboim recently launched his Barenboim piano to an excited press at London’s Royal Festival Hall. Meanwhile, across the other side of the world in China is a factory producing upright pianos under the brand name Mendelssohn.
Around 40 million children are learning the piano in China, and the country makes around 400,000
pianos each year – about 80 per cent of world production. Were Mendelssohn alive today, his association with Mendelssohn Piano (Shanghai) Co. Ltd. might be worth a tidy sum.
6/ Mozart bra
Here’s one product that would be sure to receive its namesake’s enthusiastic support. The Mozart bra was produced by Triumph International (Japan) to mark the 200th anniversary of the composer’s death.
The bra and matching pants set was in blue and decorated with musical staves.
However, the feature that would have set Wolfy’s pulse racing were the lights sewn into the material that flashed when the bra was unclasped, an action that prompted it to play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. At which point, Mozart might have demanded they change it to a piece he composed, rather
than arranged.
7/ Paganini cigarettes
If ever a star and a product were made for each other, it’s the violinist Paganini – whose name was once a byword for diabolical behaviour – and cigarettes. In 2014, a Hong Kong-based company applied to register a trademark for Paganini smoking products that included ashtrays, chewing tobacco and electronic cigarettes.
However, this isn’t the first time the violin virtuoso has been linked to tobacco. In 1914, he and 19 other great classical composers and artists were featured on cigarette cards published by WD &
HO Wills. We know Puccini, one of the featured composers, liked his cigars… but Clara Butt, the celebrated contralto, puffing on a Woodbine?
8/ Caruso sauce
The one singer in our list otherwise dominated by composers, Enrico Caruso wasn’t the most svelte figure ever to stride the globe. He liked his food, so it’s a fair bet that, had he been asked and the terms were satisfactory, he’d have lent his name to Caruso sauce.
The condiment was created in Uruguay in the 1950s as a tribute to the Italian lyric tenor, who toured South America several times. It is served warm with pasta and contains cream, ham, cheese, onions, walnuts and mushrooms, and flour for thickening. It has since become very popular, not only in Uruguay but in neighbouring countries too. Next in the range: ‘Caruso sushi – just like Madama used to make’?
9/ Puccini audio system
In 2009 hi-fi company Dynaudio created a bespoke in-car entertainment system for a Bugatti Veyron Grand Sport, called the Puccini. The composer loved driving fast cars, so it’s likely he’d have jumped at the chance to have his name on a piece of hi-fi intended for one of the world’s fastest – the Bugatti Veyron.
Indeed, Ettore Bugatti, who founded the car company in 1909, would have encouraged the association, since his parents were friends of the composer. With its bass/midrange drivers tuned to deliver ‘a tight and dynamic sound, with deep bass and excellent mid-range reproduction’, La bohème never sounded so good at 270mph.
10/ Rachmaninov vodka
The composer could have cleaned up (commercially speaking) with this vodka bearing his name. It would have been a copywriter’s dream: ‘When my First Symphony was panned by the critics, I just took a slug of my Rachmaninov vodka and composed my Second Piano Concerto, the world’s greatest. Rachmaninov Vodka revives those parts of the composer hypnotherapists cannot reach.’
The drink is sold by Lidl, the supermarket chain, in two strengths: 37.5% ABV (red label) and 40% ABV (blue label). Reviews of it are mixed, but a fair number of tasters agree it’s indistinguishable from premium brands. A bit like Rachmaninov’s music.
11/ Schubert bathtub
Franz Schubert, who suffered from serious illnesses including syphilis throughout much of his short adult life, was at one stage prescribed mercury steam baths, otherwise known as ‘die grosse Kur’. Remarkably, in between these poisonous ablutions, he composed Die schöne Müllerin, one of his greatest song cycles.
It’s not difficult, therefore, to imagine how a usually destitute Schubert (he was terrible with money) might have been tempted to lend his name to Alloyfold’s high-quality, 41-gallon free-standing bathtub. For the record, it’s a generous 59" long, and is made of two sheets of premium acrylic.
12/ Schumann waiting seat
Schumann must have spent many unhappy hours in doctors’ waiting rooms during his frequent bouts of depression and mental disorders. It’s not inconceivable that, during these periods, he might have considered the quality of the chairs he was forced to sit upon.
Inspired, perhaps, by a particularly uncomfortable one, he may very well have designed the sleek steel and aluminium beam-mounted waiting seat, electrostatically powder coated for a durable finish, that today bears his name. Later, his fellow composer could equally well have designed the Tchaikovsky cinema seat, also available from Schumann’s manufacturing partner, Alloyfold.
13/ Verdi bathroom products
‘Delightful, fresh Verdi invigorates with a clean, crisp fragrance of lime and lemongrass. Contemporary packaging and competitive pricing makes Verdi a popular choice.’
You’ve got to hand it to Giuseppe Verdi. One moment he’s putting the finishing touches to his great Ancient Egypt-set opera Aida, the next he’s applying his considerable talents to creating and marketing his extensive range of hotel bathroom products including, in no particular order, a shoe-shine sponge, shower gel and a pump for a five-litre refill of hair and body wash. Who knows where he got the idea from, but don’t be surprised to see him in the next episode of Dragons’ Den, pushing for the next tranche of investment. Verdi nail bar, anyone? I’m out.
14/ Vivaldi 1678 hot tub
What is it with great composers and bathtubs? Following Schubert’s ‘freestander’ model (without overflow), here’s something altogether more sophisticated, not to mention sociable.
'It's billed as ‘adults only’ which, knowing Vivaldi, seems appropriate'
The Vivaldi 1678 (the year of the composer’s birth; a nice touch) hot tub is billed as being for ‘adults only’ which, from the little we know of Vivaldi, seems appropriate. It comes, coos the marketing blurb, with the ‘latest in entertainment technology and cutting-edge climate control.’ It’s part of the Symphony Collection, so heaven knows what else Vivaldi has in the adult-only section of his bathroom brochure.
15/ Wagner cookie cutter
The Great British Bake Off could do with a presenter shake-up, and who better than Wagner, brandishing his latest kitchen product, the Wagner Cookie Cutter? As the composer explains: ‘Nothing says “I love you” in a sweeter tone than delicious home baked cookies, apart from delicious home baked cookies in the shape of your favourite composer’s bust.
'The Wagner Cookie Cutter will express your joy of music, from one of the most famous composers of all time, in cookie form. Dunk Wagner’s face in a glass of cold milk, get creative and layer several cookies together to create a 3D cookie bust.’ OK, it’s not really Wagner who says that, but the ‘product description’ on Amazon. But with just a little imagination…
Main pic: David Lyttelton